Obsession

Permit me to go insane.

 To let my obsession drive me over the edge of sanity.

What I intend to do now is no mean feat. It is a dedicated effort to be obsessed, a commitment to the excellence that comes with it.

I have tried and found no way to exist in the normal ways; to write for 30 minutes and shut that part of my mind off. To read Fyodor Dostoevsky and not relate him to my law lectures. To listen to Hozier and not hear his voice everywhere I go. To read Fortune and Victor, and not find their words swimming in my head every waking second. I have tried to fit in, keep my mouth shut, my mind bare, and cut myself down to size until I am acceptable. I have tried, and failed.

Yes, I have stopped mourning my alienated existence, and the journey towards godhood which will perhaps be a lonely one, a long time ago, so that is not the point of this missive.

This is an act of revolution against myself. Against the world that told me not to care too much about something because it will eventually leave. If my salvation will not come from discipline, then I shall run and drown myself in the river of obsession. If the world expects me to be sane, then I shall be insane.

In the past couple of years, I have been on an inward journey. One that forces me to break myself into pieces, putting it all back together, like Lego. Except I never did put myself together perfectly the first time, the second time, third time, or ever – I am never what I was.

I have lumbered through reality like a ghost; distracted and dissociated from life. Just pushing from one day to the next. What dragged me through, and what continues to pull me up to this day is my telos; APOTHEOSIS.

The desire to be more than myself, to be more than a person, to transcend humanhood. The restless hunger for godhood that had seeped through every fabric of my being, and my lattice of thought like a pervasive virus.

Am I close? No. Never been close to it.

But will I try?

 Will I put every fiber of my soul going after the things that terrifies and yet intrigues me at the same time? The things that make my soul burn with desire every time? Will I stop being half-assed and putting every ounce of my being into pursuing the things I desire? Will I chase excellence, not just perfection in everything I do? Will I try to get into the mind of Fyodor so I can write better than him? Will I try to read law articles years beyond my understanding? Will I spend every waking second, even into the dead of the night poring over the things I wish to know, to achieve excellence in? Will I spend my life being obsessed? 

That is the only way I know.

From this sleeping mountain, I shall carve my edifice.

The only tool at my disposal is obsession.